Untouchable Desire

It’s been far too long since I’ve written, though the thoughts have never stopped circling. They press against me like an ache I can’t release, emotions swelling until I feel like I might drown in them. Lately, everything is sharper—pleasure, pain, desire—all of it burning through me at once.

California didn’t help. The moment we landed in Los Angeles, he was all I could think about. The one who still lingers beneath my skin, the one who knows how to hold my heart in the palm of his hand without even touching me. I gave in on the plane, a reckless message I knew would go unanswered. Still, I couldn’t stop myself. Weakness is not something I wear often, but with him, it slips through my control. And when it does, it infuriates me almost as much as it seduces me.

He spends so much time there, in California, and maybe that’s why the air itself felt like him—untouchable yet close enough to taste. He didn’t respond. He never does. He’s mastered the art of letting go, of cutting ties without hesitation, and God, how I envy that. My curse is loyalty. It binds me in ways that are both beautiful and devastating, always to others, never to myself.

I’ve often wondered what broke him enough to build those walls so high, what scar made him guard himself so carefully. From the very beginning, I felt it—that shield he carries, the distance he holds. And still, I wanted in. I still do. Perhaps one day someone will slip past his defenses, but it wasn’t me.

Maybe that’s why he haunts me still. His strength, his silence, his ability to vanish without leaving even a trace of blood behind. And me? I can’t stop bleeding for him… even now.