The Same Mountains

It's been almost exactly a year since I quietly decided I was done with my marriage and secretly booked a trip to Colorado. I didn't have everything figured out. I just knew I was tired. Not the kind of tired sleep fixes—the kind that settles deep in your soul. I had spent so much of myself loving, giving, forgiving, hoping, and trying to hold everything together that somewhere along the way, I lost myself.

And finally, I realized I deserved more.

When I look back at the woman I was a year ago, I feel so many emotions. For a long time, I was angry with her. Angry that she stayed too long. Angry that she wasn't strong enough to leave sooner.

But I see her differently now. Maybe she wasn't weak. Maybe she was exhausted. Maybe she was scared. Maybe she was simply doing the best she could with the strength she had left. I honestly don't know where I found the courage to finally say, I'm done. Except I do. God.

My faith carried me through this past year, even during the moments when I couldn't feel Him. There were nights I laid in bed sobbing, feeling completely alone and wondering where He was.

Looking back, I realize He was there the entire time. Maybe I couldn't feel His hand because I was already in it. Little by little, I became stronger. The fear became quieter. The tears came less often. And somewhere in the middle of all that pain, peace started showing up.

I'm proud of the woman I am today. Not because I handled everything perfectly, but because I tried to handle it with grace. I never wanted anger or bitterness to become another thing I had to carry. I wanted to be able to look back and know that even when my heart was broken, I chose peace.

In a couple of weeks, I'm going back to Colorado. I'm staying in the same place I stayed a year ago but I am not the same woman who stayed there a year ago. She arrived terrified, exhausted, and wondering if choosing herself would destroy everything she had spent decades building. I'm returning knowing that choosing myself didn't destroy me. It saved me. I'll see the same mountains, walk some of the same streets, and probably sit in some of the same quiet places. But I'll see all of it through the eyes of a woman who finally understands her worth and when I think about the woman who made that first trip, I'm not going to be angry with her anymore. I'm going to thank her because she was scared, and she went anyway. She was brokenhearted, and she went anyway. She had no idea what was waiting for her on the other side of that decision. She just knew she couldn't abandon herself anymore.

A year ago, I went to Colorado believing my life was falling apart.This time, I'm going back knowing it was actually falling into place. I thought I was watching the end of my story. I know now that I was standing at the beginning of it and the woman returning to those mountains isn't running away from a life she can no longer live. She's walking confidently toward the one she finally knows she deserves.

I didn't lose my life this past year. I found myself.